"Youth, culture and fun"

Project of the "No frontiers 21 century" Association

 

 

 

Áúëãàðñêè Srpski

 

 

menu

 

 

funding

 

This project is

co-funded by the European Union, Joint Small Project Fund for Bulgaria, Serbia and Montenegro 2004, BG2004/016- 785.01.02.01.002- 04SER01/11/052

 

 

almanac

Almanac of visual and verbal humour under the motto

"Whatever blossoms in the Balkans is rooted in Europe"

 

The Almanac is compounded in three languages: Bulgarian, Serbian and English, and it includes authors' works, as well as local and national Bulgarian and Serbian folk art. The materials have been gathered by Bulgarian and Serbian youths, members of the "Initiative for the Future" cross-border youth network, who have been trained in the "Balkan Humour and Satire" module.

Humour or humor is the ability or quality of people, objects, or situations to evoke feelings of amusement and laughter in other people. It encompasses a form of entertainment or human communication which evokes pleasant feelings.

 

It is considered that the term derives from the ancient Greeks, according to whom Herodotus would give a special mix of fluids known as humours (Greek: , chymos, literally: juice or sap, metaphorically: flavour) controlling human health and emotion.

 

Humour is nearly as old as humanity itself. Supposedly, as soon as the cave man showed his ability for self-analysis, humour was the next step in the evolution of the human kind - along with its ability for studying and self-education. That is why it is reasonable to say that smile is what makes the difference between man and animals.

 

A sense of humour is the ability of man to purposefully generate humour, as well as to understand humour, evoked by other people, happenings and events. The extent to which an individual finds something definitely humorous depends on various factors like: geographical location (Scots, the residents of the town of Gabrovo in Bulgaria, the residents of the town of Pirot in Serbia…), culture (the English will laugh at different things in comparison to the people from Bosnia), maturity (children like different things compared to adults), level of education (schoolchildren and university students), context. Humour, both verbal and visual, may be playful, stinging, ironic, satirical, political, black humour…it is interwoven in history, in space and in time and has the power to cross any boundaries and surmount barriers, even those which seem insurmountable.

 

People who know how to tell a joke and an anecdote are the life and soul of every party, so let this Almanac be a small "manual" for boosting the spirits of young people in Bulgaria and Serbia.


 

 

FUNNY STORIES

The colour of mice

 

 

I work … though it is a bit funny for me to say it, as a scientific worker. I have never accepted it: a worker + science. But there were times, when there were so many such workers - political workers, criminal workers… I am a biologist, I work at a scientific laboratory. So one day they surprised us with an overhaul. The boss said: "They promise me that it will be finished in a week, that's why I agreed." We moved this and that from their places…But when it came to the white mice, which were used for experiments, nobody wanted them. There was nothing to be done and I took them home.

 

My wife immediately climbed on the table and made the following statement: "You will either take them away, or else I am leaving the house!"

 

However Tanya, my 5-year old daughter, was very enthusiastic. She abandoned all her toys and sat by the mice all day long. There hardly remained a thing that she did not do for them - she bathed them, put them to sleep, sang songs to them, cooked meals for them… One day she even painted them with her water colours.

 

The workers kept their promise - in a week we moved back in and I brought the mice back. My wife treated the neighbours with champagne, Tanya cried a lot…

 

Over a month later I met my neighbour Kiro, who was known as a drunkard, in the lift. We share a terrace with him and that is why, willy-nilly, I still maintain some social contacts with him. But as I looked at him, I realized that this time he was as fresh as a daisy. It was 5 p.m. and he was still sober.

"I don’t drink any more", he said shyly.

"Very good", blubbered I.

"Oh, I experienced such bad things", he livened up. "Last month one day at noon I got drunk. I go out on the terrace, and … what a nightmare! I see a mouse crawling on the window sill. A red one. Then another one appeared, a green one. And a third one - purple! Imagine that - a purple mouse… Down to the hospital I ran. The doctor looked concerned as he said: "How many times do I have to tell you to quit drinking?" And so I did - for over a month now I haven't had a single drop. .. Now I am all right - there are no mice any more. Neither green, nor purple...

 

From "Stories from 4 x 100 with Shopska Salad", by Andreya Iliev

 

 

WHEN YOU DIE

 

 

My mother-in-law, the poor thing, took great pity on me and one day she spoke out: "Nasko, Nasko, we live so well with you around! And when you die, my dear son-in-law, who will take care of us?"

 

From "Sprinkling form the Rila Spout" author Rumen Trenev

 

 

Vladimir Dimitrov, the Master, went to the field to paint. It was reaping time. He pained, watched how the peasants gathered the harvest, and his soul filled with joy. A reaper approached him to watch him painting.

"Good day, Master!", he said.

"Good day to you, too, master", replied the artist. And as he stared at the peasant, he saw that the man was barefooted and his legs were all scratched.

He took off his moccasins and gave them to the barefooted peasant.

"But, Master…"

"Take them, you don’t want to be ill tomorrow, do you? Do not worry about me, I will paint another pair for myself!"

 

Recorded by Blagoi Ranov

 

 

FOREIGN LANGUAGES - GERMAN AUXILLIARY VERBS

 

 

German language was a bit more difficult for us, but we managed only because of the fact that we had a teacher who could explain very clearly to us many things that would otherwise have been rather vague to us.

 

As an example I will quote only two cases, when he clearly and simply explained to us what the auxiliary verbs in the German language were.

 

"An auxiliary verb, children, is a verb which helps the main verb. For example, I am hoeing my vineyard. In this case I am the verb "graben". Hence: ich grabe. Well, but "graben" cannot manage to hoe the whole vineyard alone. The day is short and he cannot cope on his own. He wonders what he should do, then he decides to ask his neighbour "haben" to help him. And he says to him: "Be a good neighbour, "haben", help me hoe my vineyard." "Haben", being a good neighbour, agrees, the two of them take to work jointly and here it is: "ich habe gegraben". Hence, in this case "haben" is an auxiliary verb, that is, a verb that has helped his neighbour "graben". Well, then, the day when "graben" hoed his vineyard was not the only short day; there were other short days, as well. Another time "graben" has to hoe his corn field. He makes an effort, he does his best, but he cannot cope. The day is short and he cannot manage. What should he do, he contemplates. He cannot ask "haben" to help him again, because he has already done him a favour by hoeing the vineyard. Then it occurs to him that he can ask his other neighbour, "werden", to give him a hand. As a good fellow "werden" also responds to his request and comes to help his neighbour. The two of them brace themselves up, pool their efforts, and there it is: "ich werde graben". Hence, in this case "werden" is also an auxiliary verb, a verb of help. Now, did you get that, children?"

"We did", we answered unanimously, because we had really understood the explanation very well.

 

 

And when during the next lesson the teacher asked, say, Sreten Iovich what the auxiliary verbs in German were, Iovich, deeply convinced that he had grasped the explanation from the previous lesson very well, answered: "Auxiliary verbs are neighbours. When one of them cannot hoe his vineyard, he asks his neighbour for help and they jointly hoe the vineyard. Another time, when he cannot hoe his field of corn, he asks his other neighbour to help him. That is why all the auxiliary verbs in the German language are neighbours."

"Well, then, Sreten, tell me, whom will you ask to help you when you don’t know your lesson?" the teacher asked.

"My neighbour Zhivko", answers Sreten.

"The same Zhivko that is sitting next to you at the desk?"

"Yes."

"And how will he help you?"

"He will prompt."

"And what will he prompt?"

"Whatever I don’t know."

"And then Zhivko will be your auxiliary verb, is that so?"

"Yes."

"Well then, you, the auxiliary verb, stand up and prompt to him for all of us to hear. What is the important thing that Sreten forgot to say?"

"He forgot to say," Zhivko answered as he was standing up "that the day was short and that is why that man could not manage to hoe his vineyard."

 

From Branislav Nusic’s "Autobiography" (unofficial translation)

 


 

 

Anecdotes

Two people were drinking at a public bar and talking:

"Where are you from?"

"From Bourgas."

"So am I, let’s drink to that!"

"O.K!"

They drank.

"Which school did you study at?"

"The Third Secondary School."

" So did I, let’s drink to that!"

"O.K!"

"And where did you live?"

"Near the square."

"So did I, let’s drink to that!"

They did.

At that time the bartenders changed. The newcomer asked: "Is everything OK?"

"Yes. But the twins got drunk again."

 

 

Two mothers are talking:

"It is none of my business, but have you noticed what your daughter has been doing lately?"

"What?"

"She's been knitting baby bootees!"

"Thank God! Finally she has taken to something serious, I am sick of her endless parties!"

 

 

"What is according to you the difference between man and the camel?"

"A camel may work for days on end without drinking, while man can drink for days on end without working."

 

 

"Peter is a very unhappy creature!"

"How so? He has a Mercedes, a flat, a three-storey summer house, a young and beautiful wife, two mistresses, money in the bank…"

"Well, yes, but he has no alibi."

 

 

A bus driver says to a citizen: "Please, don’t jump off the bus while I am still driving."

"But I am in a hurry for the hospital."

"Ah, well, then jump."

 

 

"I have tried all the medicines against insomnia, doctor, but none of them has worked. What shall I do?"

"Apply for a night guard."

 

 

Two patients suffering from insomnia meet at the doctor’s. One of them complained: "I can’t sleep lately."

"Well, I found a solution to this problem", the other said. "I count to three and then fall asleep immediately."

"I count to three and then fall asleep immediately."

"Only to three?" the other guy surprised.

"Well, sometimes it goes on until a quarter to four."

 

 

"Mister, why do you appoint only married men in your company?"

"Because they are used to scandals."

 

 

"My dear friends, you will not believe that… Yesterday I was kidnapped by aliens!"

"That’s impossible!"

"But I remember everything! Some strange lights and noises, shining buttons, upward movement…"

"Ah, some aliens… You got drunk and we carried you to your flat in the lift."

 

 

The son of a mobster comes home after the last school lesson and his father asks him:"

"Well, son, how did you do at school today?"

"Five Ds, Dad.", answered the sonny.

"Oh, there will be some thrashing!"

"I know, Dad. I’ve already got their addresses."

 

 

A customs officer died and went to God. God opened a big book and said:

"Oh, you are a very respectable person, you have made donations to orphanages, and you are to go to Heaven!"

But as he turned the page he said:

"Oh, you have stolen so much, you have brought to ruin so many people! Where shall I put you now?"

"At the customs office, God, at the customs office!"

 

 

A sociological survey among customs officers:

Question:

"How much time do you need to buy a BMW?"

A customs officer from the northern border:

"Not less than 3 months."

A customs officer from the southern border:

"At least 5 months."

A customs officer from the western border, after some thinking:

"Not less than 5 years."

- ???

"Well, it is a big company, after all."

 

 

It started raining. A policeman and an undergraduate student hid under a awning. The policeman was eating a donut, and the student was reading a newspaper. A dog passed by, and the policeman decided to mock the student. So he tore off a piece of his donut, threw it to the dog and said,
“Here, eat so that you are not as hungry as this student.”
The student tore off a piece of his paper and replied,
“Here, read, so that you are not as dumb as this policeman.”

 

 

A father, working as a traffic police officer, is waking up his son, also a traffic police officer:

"Get up, son, it’s time to go to work!"

"What is the time?"

"7:30 AM"

"It is still very early, Dad."

"Oh, no, it is not. For half an hour now those rotters have been driving free of charge."

 

 

The chief of the firefighters comes slowly into the room of those on duty, hands in pockets, and says

"Guys, get ready little by little…I will wait for you to get ready, to get dressed, and then we’ll go to put out a fire - the building of the tax inspectorate is on fire."

 

 

An Internet maniac tries to quit surfing the net. He sits in front of the computer and starts repeating,
“I won’t turn it on, I won’t turn it on…”
In a while he cannot help himself, he turns on the computer and the modem and continues to repeat,
“It wasn’t me, it wasn’t me…”

 

Two prison inmates are talking:

"What are you here for?"

"I became the scapegoat of competition."

"How so?"

"I used to make the same banknotes as the government did."

 

 

A teacher says to a student:

"I want you to come to school with your grandfather tomorrow."

"You mean with my father."

"No, with your grandfather.. I want to show him what gross mistakes his son makes in your home works."

 

 

Teachers phone the Ministry to arrange for a meeting with the Minister:

"The situation is difficult, we have no money."

"It is all right, I will receive you without money."

 

 

At the psychiatrist’s surgery:

"Doctor, I am not a man, I am a dog."

"Please, lie down on the coach."

"Thanks a lot, they would not permit me to lie on the sofa at home."

 

 

"Darling, I left two bottles of vodka in the fridge yesterday, and now there is only one. Why?"

"Ah, because I haven’t seen it."

 

 

A drunk man returned home. He decided to pretend that he is not drunk in front his wife. He wondered what to do and thought that if he read a book she would not notice anything. So he sat in the living room and started reading. His wife came in, looked at him and says:
“Well, I see that you are drunk again! How much can you drink, really?”
“What are you talking about, woman? Can’t you see that I am sitting here, reading a book?”
“Close this suitcase right away and go to bed, you drunkard!”

 

 

Two friends got together to have a drink and remember the old times. They sat at the table and one of them asked,
“So, what are we going to drink? Wine or whiskey?”
“And a beer, too!”

 

 

A deaf-mute person meets a friend and says to him using gestures:
“Last night I was late and my wife started yelling at me…”
“And what did you do?”
“I turned off the lights.”

 

 

A man calls the electric company on the phone and says,
“If you send me one more threatening letter I will take you out of the family lottery.”
“What is this family lottery?”
“I put all bills in a jar, I shuffle them, take one out and then I go pay it.”

 

A man enters a tattooing studio and says:

"I want a tank tattooed on the whole of my back."

In ten minutes’ time the tattooing man says:

"Well, everything is ready."

"So quickly!"

"Why, what’s so complicated about it? It’s only four letters!?"

 

 

“Excuse me, but you still owe me a hundred euros!
“You are excused!”

 

A secretary phones the director of the zoo who is on a business trip and asks:

„Sir, the monkey has died. Shall we seek for another one or shall we just wait for you to come back?"

 

 

The telephone rings and an impolite voice is heard:

Hello, is this 990237631?

"Yes, it is. Who is calling?"

"This is 844803361, his friend from the prison."

 

 

As two policemen were walking they found three bombs. The first one said:
"Let’s take them to the chief."
"What if one of them explodes?"
"We’ll tell him that we have found only two…"

 

 

A teacher says to a student:
"Go to the blackboard and draw an apple."
The student asks:
"What do you want it to be, sour or sweet?"

 

 

"Doctor, what should I do so that my hands will stay nice and soft?"
"Do nothing, Madam. Possibly every day."

 

 

A policeman stops a man in the street and says to him:
"Give me all yours names!"
And the man answers:
"How will I be called after that?" asks the man.

 

 

Little John is writing a letter to Santa Claus:
"My dear Santa Claus, please send me a little sister for Christmas!"
Santa Claus replies:
"No problem. But you have to send me your mother first."

 

 

The friends of a doctor phone him at his home and invite him to play cards with them.
"I am coming right away!" he replies.
And the doctor’s wife is asking, "Is it an emergency again, honey?"
"Yes, dear, there are three doctors there already."

 

 

A judge asks a defendant:
"Why did you steal the car?"
"I was in a hurry to get on the train."
"Why not the tram."
"Your Honour, who would steal a tram nowadats?"

 

 

"Madam, why didn’t you call us immediately, if you complain that the robber has turned everything upside down in your house?"
"You are right, but at first I thought that my husband had been looking for a clean shirt."

 

 

An elderly lady walks into a drugstore and says:
"I want two doses of contraceptives."
"Do you know what these pills are for?"
"Yes, for headache."
"Dear Madam, they are not for headache, they prevent pregnancy."
"I know that, I haven’t gone gaga yet. They are for my granddaughters, so that I don’t get a headache after that."

 

 

A blond girl goes to a petrol-station and the boy working there asks her:
"What kind of petrol do you want?"
"I want super."
"Which super? There is super 98 and super 95."
The blond girl thinks for a while and then asks:
"Can’t I have some super from this year?"

 

 

"Mary, let’s play Big Brother," a husband suggests to his wife.
"OK", she agrees reluctantly.
Then the husband says:
"Mary, this is Big Brother speaking. You have two minutes to pack your things and leave the house."

 

 

Belgrade graffiti: "What a Waste"

 

 

"What is the difference between a fairy and a witch?"

"Five years of marriage… "

 

 

I went to Berlin to paint graffiti. Imagine, they have torn down the wall!

 

 

Only 8 million people have the pleasure to live in Serbia. All the rest do not have that pleasure, but they have everything else instead.

 

 

I am not interested in money and fame. I am only interested in money.

 

 

Do something for the homeland: emigrate!

 

 

It is not all about love. Fear of AIDS is also involved.

 

 

Wise men never marry one and the same woman twice.

 

 

Darling, it's either me or the computer!

 

 

They tell me you are unfaithful to me and you will leave me.
Whom will you leave me to?

 

 

My sand clock is three sand grains late.

 

 

I saw Picasso’s self-portrait. My goodness, what he looked like!

 

 

If you see someone watering flowers with an empty bucket, the chances are that he is not mad but the flowers are artificial.

 

 

Men can be grouped into two categories: awfully simple and simply awful.

 

 

Once I was a human being…and then I received a modem as a gift.

 

 

Every family must have three children. If it happens that one of the children is a genius, the other two will have to provide for him.

 

 

If a man opens the car door for a woman, either the car, or the woman is new.

 

 

He who sings thinks no evil thoughts, but he who thinks doesn’t feel like singing.

 

 

 

Dushan Radovic: "Good Morning, Belgrade"

 

 

Nobody begrudges you the abilities; you are only envied for your success. While you toil and moil, they consider you crazy, and when you achieve something, they consider you lucky.

 

 

Love each other when you are not together. This is true love. He who loves only when he is together with the one he loves, makes no distinction among the people he is together with.

 

 

Football fans are men of two types: such that have no girl-friends and such that have wives.

 

 

It is only twice in your life-time that you have to be clever – when you are choosing a profession and when you are choosing a spouse. If you make the wrong choice in both cases, you will have to be clever all your life.

 

 

A woman is like winter – she has good sides and bad sides. The good sides can be seen, and the bad sides can be felt.

 

 

We cannot live without other people. Some of them create problems for us, while the others solve them.

 

 

Is love an illness? Yes, but it cannot be transmitted. You can love someone deeply, but you can never transmit love to them.

 

 

We are loved by the good and true women, but we love the other women, whom nobody would have loved if it had not been for us.

 

 

If possible, don’t love those who love you. If this is not possible, love them very little. If this is not possible, either, love them very much, but for a short period of time.

 

 

Someone has been unfaithful to the woman he loves by being involved with the woman he lives with.

 

 

There is a queue in front of the National Library, but the queue is for the tram.
There is a queue in front of the National Museum, too, but the queue is for the bus.

 


 

 

Nasreddin Hodja

When the name of Nasreddin Hodja is mentioned, a smile appears on everybody’s face. He is well known for the many variations of his name from Iraq all the way to Romania, as a symbol of the healthy spirit of the nation and of its wit, but few people know that Nasreddin Hodja was a real person. His father was an imam, i.e. a priest in the village of Horto near the town of Sivrihisar, district of Akshahir, and very soon after the birth of their seventh child – Nasreddin, the family moved to the big district town of Akshahir, not far from the Silk Road connecting, with its thin threads, Europe and Asia, Islam and Christianity with the rest of the world. The name Nasreddin means helper of faith, a person who can find the right way, while Hodja is a title.

 

 

About Giving

One day a neighbour asked Nasreddin Hodja to lend him some money.
"I have no money to give you", answered the Hodja, "but I can give you as many pieces of my mind as you wish …"

 

 

Whom do you believe?

One day a neighbour called on Nasreddin Hodja and asked him to lend him his donkey.
"I am sorry," said the Hodja, "but it died."
At that time the "dead" donkey brayed from the courtyard.
"But I can hear its voice!" the neighbour said.
"Whom do you believe? Me or the donkey?" asked the Hodja.

 

 

40-year-old vinegar

A neighbour came running to Nasreddin Hodja and asked him:
"Can I have some of your famous 40-year-old vinegar to season my pilaff?"
"If I had given some of it to everybody that came asking, I wouldn’t have had 40-year-old vinegar today", answered the Hodja.

 

 

There Is No Halvah

"Why don’t you make your own halvah, Nasreddin?" His friends asked him. "You are so good at making it!"
"Because, when I have flour, I have no sesame, when I have sesame I have no butter, and when I have everything, too many people come visiting", said the Hodja.

 


 

 

Small advertisements

"A Doberman for sale. Eats everything, likes young children very much."

 

 

"A divorced, childless woman seeks a man with a pension for two."

 

 

"I am a young, healthy and stalwart man, I have 2 houses, a yacht, a summer house on the Hawaii and a Porsche car. I do not sell or buy anything, I just want to brag."

 

 

"I urgently seek a stand-in man for my honey-moon."

 

 

"I donate a house with an evil mother-in-law."

 

 

"I seek a woman with a tractor. Please, send a picture of the tractor."

 

 

"A small ass is sought to transport a big ass."

 

 

"Place in history is bartered for a one-room flat."

 


 

 

School Humour

A teacher in Chemistry:

"Methane burns with a colourless blue flame."

 

 

A physics teacher:

"If you are somewhere in outer space and you meet a man who wants to shake hands with you and offers you his left hand, do not hasten to do it, because you might get annihilated, both of you."

 

 

 

"Dear colleagues, what is the difference between mass and weight? It is that 1 kg of peppers have different weights on the Moon and on Earth… So it is a better bargain to buy peppers on the Moon, I know this from experience…"

 

 

"Well, as I see my words are gliding past your ears like water on the skin of a young seal."

 

 

A teacher walks into a classroom and looks around the faces of the 11th grade students.
"Boys, if Darwin were alive, he would have stopped wondering about the connecting link between man and monkey."

 

 

Chemistry lesson:

"Open the door, John, we may have to get out in a hurry…"

 

 

A conductor of the Sofia Youth Philharmonic Orchestra:

"You are gazing at the notes like a red Indian at a glass of whisky."

 

 

Explanation of a Physics teacher:

"Imagine something that you cannot imagine ¬– that is the magnetic field."

 

 

"Don’t ask me! Ask your question!"

 

 

Students:

"Hey, what are we going to do during the physics lesson tomorrow?"
"Well, we’ll talk about internal combustion engines."
"When did we talk about external combustion engines?"

 

 

A teacher from the English Language School in Sofia:

"I want you to write an essay for next time. The topic is: "Why is Achilles’s chest hairy?"

 

 

A biology teacher:

"You will neither speak nor talk!"

 

 

The Math’s teacher:

"Those, who are absent, raise your hands!"

 

 

From a literature test,

"Don Quixote was a fifty-year-old youngster who had a bald horse."

 

A sports teacher:

"I see absent students in the line."

 

 

A teacher in Literature:

"Every time I open my mouth I hear the voice of some idiot."

 

 

"A monkey holds on to trees with his back hands."

 

 

From a literature essay of a seventh-grade student:

"In her right hand Old Ilijtsa was holding the gun, in her left hand the baby, and in her other one the wounded rebel."

 

 

A teacher:

"I will send everybody out and I will work with the rest!"

 

A geography lesson:

"A camel can walk for 30 to 40 hours a day."

 

Excerpts from students’ essays:
"…Magellan conducted the first voyage around the world. Unfortunately he was killed on the Philippines and his crew returned without him. Nonetheless the deceased kept a good memory about his voyage."

 

 

"…Kangaroos have a pocket on their belly, in which to hide in case of danger."

 

 

A citizen at a government institution:

"Excuse me, isn’t there a queue?"

"Well, no, there isn’t."

"Cool! It is for the first time! One would almost wish to stand in the queue twice!"

 

 

A teacher: "Read this when you get to your house."

A student: "I live in a flat."

 

 

A biology teacher: "What are the advantages enjoyed by non-smokers?"

A student: "Non-smokers will die healthier."

 

 

A math teacher: "This problem has no solution, yet we will solve it."

 

 

"Dead skeletons have been found there."

 

 

"There are two types of fishes: water fish and sea fish".

 

 

A student: "Out of seven possible problems I solved 12."

 

 

"The parts of an engine are: rotor, stator and fender."

 

 

"When you watch a sun eclipse, don't you ever look at the sun. You can also wear sun glasses, but be on the alert and never get too close."

 

 

"There are four symptoms of this disease. I have forgotten two of them and the other two are so popular, that there is no point in mentioning them."

 

 

"Doctors say that lethal diseases are the most dangerous ones. "

 

 

A teacher: "You are so bad, that it would serve you right if I send you to a room full of rats and lock you there."

A student: "You have just described what our sitting room looks like."

 

 

"States have different forms of state government. Italy is in the form of a boot."

 

 

"An infinite unmber of straight lines can be drawn through a single point, and the number of lines that can be drawn through two points is twice as big."

 

 

"People who live in the desert eat mostly sand."

 

 

A student: "It is better for me to live a quality life for 60 years than ... "

A teacher: "I will ask you whether that is still what you think when you turn 59."

 

 

"If I mention your name once again, I won't have to do it again, because you will be thrown out!"

 

 

"They lived in the 4th century before New Year."

 

 

"Everything is correct, but there is a small mistake somewhere."

 

 

"There was famine and shortage of food."

 


 

 

Aphorisms

The straight line is the shortest distance between two points of view.

Hristo Topuzanov

 

 

How much longer will the light in the tunnel shine for us?

Hristo Topuzanov

 

 

The revelation of a fellow-countryman:
"I don’t need anything to whet my appetite. I need something to eat."

 

 

Be aware that as long as the family budget is in the red, we will be living under communism!

 

 

Flowers are just like friends: There are genuine ones and there are decorative ones.

Ivan Neshev

 

 

One can acquire certain things in Serbia, too, such as ulcer, heart attack, depression...

 

 

"I can't understand why my mother is so angry about the broken vase. It was a Chinese vase, not ours!"

 

 

"Yesterday I shirked school for the first time. The student I gave a poor mark to nearly caught me."

 

 

"Why are there no mosquitoes in China?"

"Each Chinese has killed one."

 

 

"It is small, blue, sitting on a tree and singing. What is it?"

"A talented plum."

 


 

 

PROVERBS

Once burnt, twice shy.

 


Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise.

 


A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

 


A tongue has no bones, but it can crush bones.

 


Haste makes waste.

 


Night brings counsel.

 


There is no worse craft than stubbornness.

 


He who sings means no harm.

 


It is never a bad day that hath a good night.

 


Never quit certainty for a hope.

 


One swallow does not make a summer.

 


Where there is a chimney, there will be smoke.

 


You cannot eat your cake and have it.

 


She is always harping on the same string.

 


He has a finger in every pie.

 


Little streams make big rivers.

 


There is an end to every nice thing.

 


 

 

RIDDLES

Long John without bones pays a visit to the sky. (Smoke)

 

 

Grey, alive, curled, with needles run into it. (Hedgehog)

 

 

In the morning he walks on four legs, at noon on two and in the evening on three. (Man)

 

 

It is green outside and red inside. (Watermelon)

 

 

A wild dog, unknown to the eyes, drags smoke in the sky, and sweeps thorns in the field. (Wind)

 

 

An endless field with innumerable sheep and a horned sheperd. (The sky, the stars, the moon)

 

 

It beats you, but you do not see it. (Wind)

 

 

A white house propped on a beam. (Mushroom)

 

 

Four brothers sleep under one blanket, but cannot see each other. (Walnut nuts)

 

 

A wondrous buzzer sat on a wondrous stone and sang a wondrous song. (Bee)

 

 

White hens lie under a shed. (Teeth)

 

 

A red dog barks through a window. (Tongue)

 

 

It goes in without crust and comes out with a crust. (Bread)

 

 

A whitewashed wall with a yellow judge sitting behind it. (Egg)

 

 

It shines in the dark and glows in the light. (Lamp)

 

 

In summer it is stark cold and in winter boiling hot. (Stove)

 

 

White field with black seeds, sown by hand, reaped by mouth. (Book)


 

 

humor from Kyustendil

 

Vasil Gioshev

 

Loafers don’t have days off.

 

 

Iordan Stankov

 

Truth does not arrive according to our schedule.

 

 

Iglolistki

 

Revelation of a Bulgarian: “I do not need anything to excite my appetite. I need something to eat.”


Homeless people are unpleasant sight. That is why the politicians close their eyes.


Politics is a game and its training day takes place behind closed curtains.

 

 

Blagoi Ranov

 

The famous Bulgarian artist Vladimir Dimitrov - the Master went to the field to paint. It was the harvest season. As he painted, he watched the villagers gathering the harvest and his heart was filled with joy. In a while a harvester came to watch him paint,
“Good day, Master!”, he said.
“Good day to you too, master!”, the artist replied. He stared at the villager and saw that he was barefooted and his feet were scratched.
“Please, take my moccasins, master!”
He took his moccasins off and handed them over to the barefooted villager.
“But, Master!...”
“Take them, you don’t want to get sick, do you?... Don’t worry about me, I can paint a pair for myself!”

 

 

Dimitar Krumov

 

Exquisite taste requires deep pockets.

 

He does not like to crawl – he achieves everything kneeling.

 

 

Krustiu Damianov

 

A good word opens iron doors, while a good sum opens any kind of door.

 

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